


The Good Bits

by wordsarelifealways



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season/Series 11 Spoilers, early days of relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 03:03:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6498253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsarelifealways/pseuds/wordsarelifealways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After ridding Lucifer from Castiel's vessel, Castiel admits to Dean why he said yes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Good Bits

**Author's Note:**

> Contains spoilers for season 11 of Supernatural.
> 
> Find me at whoismisha.tumblr.com for drabbles or to send prompts!

They were lying in bed when Castiel mumbled those words against Dean’s shoulder.

“I remember.” His voice was muffled, almost lost in the shoulder of Dean’s shirt, but Dean heard.

“Remember what?” Dean glanced down at him.

“Being Lucifer’s vessel.” Castiel’s voice was even and barely above a whisper, but Dean had never heard anything more clearly. He’d worked enough possession cases to know that the regular old humans remembered things from their possession so he’d had a suspicion that Cas would remember, but he wasn’t going to make the guy talk about it until he was ready.

Dean sure as hell was never going to be ready for _that_ talk.

“It was a lose-lose situation, Cas.” Dean said carefully, brushing his fingers over Castiel’s hair. “You did what you thought you had to to take Amara down.”

“It wasn’t entirely for world saving purposes.” Castiel muttered and Dean looked down sharply.

“What? What the hell _other_ reason is there to say yes to a damn archangel?” He demanded, sitting up and watching as Castiel remained laying on his side gazing at the wall as if Dean hadn’t moved.

“ _Cas_?” Dean persisted.

“I met an angel when I was checking if the angels had been successful in smiting the Darkness.” Castiel sighed, the blank look melting off his face. Dean hadn’t noticed just how tired the angel looked.

“Did they try to get the drop on you?” Dean’s fingers worked their way into Castiel’s dark hair and he dragged them through the locks slowly. Even though he knew it was months ago now, he founds himself looking Castiel over for any signs of an encounter with the sharp end of an angel blade.

“No.” Castiel shook his head. “I doubt she was even armed. She wasn’t a soldier. That was her first time leaving Heaven. She told me something, before Amara consumed her grace.”

“Yeah? Was it useful?” Dean’s fingers moved lower through Castiel’s hair lazily until his fingers were brushing against the man’s forehead. It wasn’t much, nowhere near the amount of comfort Cas clearly craved, but it was all Dean could think of.

“It was…enlightening.” Castiel sighed, moving away from Dean’s touch and across the bed.

“What did she say?” Dean raised an eyebrow, not sure what could have been said to get this reaction out of Cas or drive him to consenting to Lucifer.

“She told me we were the ones sent to see if the Darkness had been vanquished because we were both expendable.” Castiel replied as his stare returned to the wall.

“What?” Dean blinked, his hand faltering from where it had been making its way back to Castiel’s hair.

“Expendable. We were both _expendable_. And she was right.” Castiel sighed. “I used to lead crusades. I was known by my brothers as a warrior, a _good_ soldier. I made a difference to Heaven.” Castiel’s voice was slowly picking up volume and more emotion was leaking through. “And now here I am. Fallen, disgraced, and not needed by Heaven or Earth.” Castiel ended bitterly and white hot anger flared up in Dean’s chest with a force almost as strong as the Mark.

“Is-” Dean took a deep breath, trying to keep some resemblance of his cool. “Is that why you said yes to the devil? Because some no one angel told you no one _needed_ you?”

“She opened my eyes.” Castiel rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. “At least by saying yes to Lucifer I made myself useful again.” At those words, a lump rose in Dean’s throat.

“Do you really believe that?”

“It’s not a matter of believing.” Castiel replied simply. It was only when Castiel began rolling back over away from him that Dean’s brain snapped into action.

“ _No_.” Dean shook his head and tried to ignore the pounding of blood in his ears. Almost every dumbass decision he had ever made had been born of that feeling and he’d be damned if he was going to let Castiel suffer through that.

Dean reached out and smoothed his hand up Castiel’s back, briefly revelling in the soft feeling of his old AC/DC shirt. Even though Castiel didn’t need sleep, since expelling Lucifer and Dean’s less than dignified declaration of feelings, the angel liked to get changed and crawl into bed with Dean. Dean had offered to buy Cas pyjamas of his own, but the angel had simply shook his head and clung tighter to Dean’s old shirt and some sweatpants.

He looked so human and fragile on the other side of Dean’s bed.

“Cas,” Dean hated how his voice shook. He had been going to roll Castiel back onto his back so he could look at him, but he was having a hard enough time saying this to the guy’s back.

He settled for continuing to rub Castiel’s back.

“That angel douche didn’t know you. Not like I do.” Dean could feel Castiel’s muscles tense up beneath his hand and he sighed quietly before rearranging himself so he was spooning Castiel, an arm wrapped protectively around the man’s midriff as if he could hold Cas so tightly that he could imprint his feelings for him on his skin.

“I’ve known you for years. The _real_ you. She only knew you through gossip and bullshit. You might have made some… _misguided_ choices, but you thought you were doing the right thing. Who can say they haven’t done that? Not anyone who’s ever fought for something. You know who _could_ say that they messed up massively? People who _saved the world_ , or taken on someone else’s hallucinations, or fought against a system they thought was wrong, or only ever tried to make things better.” Dean took a breath, holding onto Castiel even tighter.

If the guy wasn’t angelically strong Dean might have cracked a rib or two by now.

“We all make mistakes, Cas. Hell, if you’re not making mistakes are you even trying? The thing you gotta remember is that your mistakes aren’t _all_ you are.”

“Then what _am_ I, Dean?” Cas challenged. His voice was sharp, but Dean could feel him shaking ever so slightly.

“You’re Cas.” Dean said simply. What he felt wasn’t simple though. It was confusing and complicated and terrifying and exhilarating and impossible to explain with his words.

“Cas.” The man repeated blankly.

“Mhmm. You’re Cas. When we first met I thought you were a real dick, but we’ve pulled through a lot of shit together, man. We’re both different people now. Now I can’t imagine life _without_ you. You’re part of the team. I always thought it’d be me and Sammy fighting the good fight alone. I never thought someone else would mean that much to me and be able to stay. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Cas.” Dean couldn’t stop his voice cracking, but he tried to muffle it by pressing a kiss into Castiel’s hair. He was afraid to try to sneak a glance at Castiel’s face; instead he continued.

“When I realised you said yes to Lucifer…it felt like I’d been punched in the chest.” It made his chest constrict just remembering it. “I know life’s been shitty. And you’ve probably been around since forever so you’ve had even longer to have a rough time. But you have to know there are good parts too?” Dean found himself holding onto Castiel even tighter.

“I knew we were gonna get you back, Cas, but you gave your life up…you gave it up before any of the good bits and all I could think was that if shit went wrong you might never get to experience any of that.”

“I was so tired.” Castiel’s voice sounded suspiciously thick and Dean raised his head to get a look at his face. Castiel’s eyes were shut, but there were tear tracks down his cheeks and fresh tears squeezing themselves out. “Everything I did was wrong. All I had become was a hindrance. Why would I want to keep living that life?”

“Because,” Dean began gruffly as he wiped the hot tears from Castiel’s cheeks. “I need you to. I _need_ you, Cas. Every time you disappear I lose my freaking mind.” At that Castiel turned to face Dean and pressed his face into Dean’s shoulder. Seconds later Castiel was shuddering with enough force that Dean could feel it in his teeth.

“I got you, Cas.” He wrapped his arms around his angel as he shook. “I’m sorry I didn’t see how much you needed me. Y’know…before.” Dean tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He regretted a lot of things in his life, but dropping the ball with Cas and seeing his best friend’s body being used by the devil because of it had to be at the top of that list.

Never again.

“I got you, Cas.” Dean murmured. “We’re gonna get you through this.” Dean eased back carefully so they were lying down together, finding himself oddly soothed by the weight of Castiel’s head on his chest, and pulled the blanket over them.

They lay there for a long time, neither of them saying anything. Eventually Castiel stopped shaking and Dean began running his fingers through his dark hair again. Exhaustion hit Dean out of nowhere and he allowed himself to relax into his memory foam now that the hard part was over.

He was starting to drift off, drowsy from the combination of emotional exhaustion and body heat, but he heard it. The muffled sigh Castiel let out against his chest, probably thinking that Dean was already asleep.

“You _are_ the good bits, Dean.”


End file.
